{"id":26332,"date":"2026-09-30T01:41:37","date_gmt":"2026-09-30T01:41:37","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/harissa.com\/news-wp\/?p=26332"},"modified":"2026-09-30T02:08:21","modified_gmt":"2026-09-30T02:08:21","slug":"les-vauriens-par-albert-simeoni","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/harissa.com\/news-wp\/les-vauriens-par-albert-simeoni\/","title":{"rendered":"Les vauriens, par Albert Simeoni"},"content":{"rendered":"
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LES MEMOIRES D\u0092UN GOULETTOIS<\/b><\/p>\n

L\u0092ENFANT DE LA GOULETTE<\/b><\/p>\n

Par ALBERT SIMEONI\u00a0 (BEBERT)<\/b><\/p>\n

Dans la s\u00e9rie des sketchs\u0085..<\/p>\n

\u0091 J\u0092ai fais quatre gar\u00e7ons pour rien\u0085..\u0092 Tir\u00e9 du livre des proverbes de ma m\u00e8re.<\/strong><\/p>\n

\u0091\u0085.LES VAURIENS\u0085.\u0092<\/strong><\/p>\n

Ni bonjour, ni all\u00f4 ,\u00a0 ni rien\u0085.remarques\u0085<\/strong><\/p>\n

\u00a0Ma m\u00e8re\u0085 \u0092 Yam\u00e8lt kh\u00e8mch\u00e9 tkoura yal \u00e8l rhl\u00e8 oul r\u00e8yb\u00e9h.\u0092<\/strong><\/p>\n

(\u0091 J\u0092 ai fais 5 gar\u00e7ons pour le d\u00e9sert et le n\u00e9ant) =\u00a0 qui ne servent \u00e0 rien)<\/strong><\/p>\n

Moi\u0085\u0085\u0085\u00a0 \u0091Qui c\u0092est le 5 i\u00e8me que je ne connais pas\u0085.maman..\u00a0?<\/strong><\/p>\n

Elle \u0091J\u0092ai dis comme \u00e7a pour que l\u0092on ne vous prenne pas de l\u0092\u009cil\u0085.\u00a0!\u0092<\/strong><\/p>\n

Moi\u0085\u0085\u0085\u00a0 \u0092Ahhhhh\u0085. tu as m\u00eame peur de mon \u009cil\u0085. sublime\u0085\u00a0!\u0092<\/strong><\/p>\n

Silence\u0085\u0085\u0085\u0085\u0085\u0085\u0085\u0085\u0085\u0085\u0085\u0085\u0085\u0085\u0085\u0085\u0085\u0085\u0085\u0085\u0085\u0085\u0085\u0085\u0085\u0085\u0085\u0085\u0085\u0085\u0085\u0085.<\/strong><\/p>\n

Moi\u0085\u0085\u0085 \u0091Bon\u0085. tu viens d\u0092arriver des States\u0085. tes valises sont encore ferm\u00e9es et d\u00e8ja tu grognes ..\u00a0?\u0092<\/strong><\/p>\n

Elle\u0085\u0085\u0085.\u0092L\u0092Am\u00e9riiiique\u0085.\u00a0? \u00e9lli y\u00e8chma i k\u00f4ll\u00f4k d\u00e8ni\u00e9 j\u00e8t\u0085..pour ce j\u0092ai vu\u0085\u00a0?\u0092<\/strong><\/p>\n

\u0091\u0085\u0085. pour celui qui entend on dirait que\u00a0 monde est n\u00e9\u00a0 = le bout du monde)\u0092<\/strong><\/p>\n

Moi\u0085\u0085\u0085 \u0091Mais tu as \u00e9t\u00e9 \u00e0 Disney land\u0085.\u00a0!\u0092<\/strong><\/p>\n

Elle\u0085\u0085\u0085 \u0091Y\u00e8kb\u00e8r alla y\u00e8n\u00e9y\u00e8 Mickey ou Popeye\u0085ahhhhh..\u00a0?\u0092<\/strong><\/p>\n

( Ils grandissent \u00e0 mes yeux..= ils sont si important \u00e0 mes yeux\u0085.\u0092)<\/strong><\/p>\n

Moi\u0085\u0085\u0085 \u0092Au t\u00e9l\u00e9phone, tu \u00e9tais enchant\u00e9e..\u00a0!\u0092<\/strong><\/p>\n

Elle\u0085\u0085\u0085\u0092. Babounout\u0085\u00a0! .ouw\u00e8 t\u00e8m\u00e9 \u00e8l yad\u00e8b ta mesray\u00e8ne \u00e9lli jin\u00e9 fi..\u00a0?\u00a0 nar\u00a0 k\u00f4llou ouhn\u00e8 Fich ou Bourger\u0085Mac Do\u0085.\u0092<\/strong><\/p>\n

(\u0091Insignifiant\u0085. Peux – tu imaginer la souffrance d\u0092Isra\u00ebl (sous-entendu la travers\u00e9e du d\u00e9sert) dans lequel nous \u00e9tions\u0085\u00a0?\u0085. tous les jours\u00a0 Fich Burger\u0085.\u0092)<\/strong><\/p>\n

Moi\u0085\u0085\u0085\u0092Pourquoi..\u00a0? il n\u0092y avait pas de restos\u0085\u00a0?\u0092<\/strong><\/p>\n

Elle\u0085\u0085\u0085\u0085\u0091 Non\u0085. y\u0092avaiiit\u0085mais c\u0092est trop cher\u0085on voulait \u00e9conomiser\u0085.\u00a0!\u0092<\/strong><\/p>\n

Moi\u0085\u0085\u0085\u0085\u0092Yall\u00e8d\u00e9\u00e9\u00e9h\u0085.jit dyaff\u00e2\u00e2\u00e2\u00e2\u00e2h\u0092<\/strong><\/p>\n

(\u0091C\u0092\u00e9\u00e9\u00e9\u00e9 pour cela que tu es venu amaigriiiie\u0092)<\/strong><\/p>\n

Elle\u0085\u0085\u0085 \u0092Dyaffaaaah\u0085\u00a0? r\u0092dit 4 kgs . Chouffe\u0085\u00a0!\u00a0 h\u00e8d\u00e9h Maxou (mon fr\u00e8re) k\u00e8ssarli sakay\u00e8 b\u00e8l m\u00e8chi\u00e9n\u0085\u00a0!\u0092<\/strong><\/p>\n

(\u0091Maaaaigre\u0085\u00a0? j\u0092ai pris 4 kgs. Regardes Maxo ton fr\u00e8re, il m\u0092a cass\u00e9 les pieds \u00e0 force d\u0092aller et venir\u0085.\u0092)<\/strong><\/p>\n

Moi\u0085\u0085\u0085\u0092 Hattatiii\u0085\u00a0! ne voyages plus avec lui\u0085\u0092 (H\u00e9las)<\/strong><\/p>\n

Elle\u0085\u0085\u0085\u0091Et avec qui je vais..\u00a0? avec ton p\u00e8re au cimeti\u00e8\u00e9\u00e9re\u0085\u00a0?\u0092<\/strong><\/p>\n

Moi\u0085\u0085\u0085\u0092Et les Iles Canaris \u0085et l\u0092Espagne\u0085.\u00a0?\u0092<\/strong><\/p>\n

Elle\u0085\u0085\u00a0 \u0092Spagnaaaah\u0085.yati\u00e8m yasbannah b\u00e8l doud\u0085.<\/strong><\/p>\n

\u0091L\u0092Ep\u00e2\u00e2\u00e2\u00e2\u00e2gne\u0085..qu\u0092ils leur arrivent une saucisse vermin\u00e8e\u0085\u0092)<\/strong><\/p>\n

Moi\u0085\u0085\u00a0 \u0092 As tu vu les corridas\u0085\u00a0? \u0092<\/strong><\/p>\n

Elle\u0085\u0085\u00a0 \u0091 Ahhhhhhhh\u0085.f\u00e9eriques\u0085..\u0092<\/strong><\/p>\n

Moi\u0085\u0085\u00a0 \u0092Ahhh\u0085.heureusement\u0085.\u0092<\/strong><\/p>\n

Elle\u0085\u0085\u0085 \u0091J’ai eu beaucoup de peine\u0085pour la mise \u00e0 mort\u0085.mch\u00e8k\u00e9n\u0085bkit yalli\u00e8m\u0085\u0092<\/strong><\/p>\n

(\u0091\u0085\u0085les pauvres \u0085j\u0092ai pleur\u00e9 sur eux..\u0092)<\/strong><\/p>\n

Moi\u0085\u0085 \u0091Tu pleures pour une queue et deux oreilles\u0085\u00a0?\u0092*<\/strong><\/p>\n

Elle\u0085\u0085 \u0092Quand m\u00eame aw\u00e8y\u00e9ch\u0085.i ch\u00e8rffou\u0085.<\/strong><\/p>\n

(\u0091\u0085.c\u0092est des b\u00eates\u0085.ils me font de la peine\u0085\u0092)<\/strong><\/p>\n

Moi\u0085\u0085\u00a0 \u0091Aw\u00e8y\u00e9che kiff\u00e8k\u0085\u00a0? (Des b\u00eates comme toi)<\/strong><\/p>\n

Elle \u0085\u0085\u0091 Ahhhh\u0085\u00a0? ya kbih h\u00e8dd\u00e9h \u00e8l kbir entayi tbarkallah\u00a0! qui traite sa m\u00e8re de b\u00eate..\u00a0?\u0092 <\/strong><\/p>\n

(\u0091\u0085Mal \u00e9lev\u00e9\u0085. toi mon ain\u00e9\u00a0 D.ieu b\u00e9nisses\u00a0! qui traite sa m\u00e8re de b\u00eate\u0085.\u00a0?\u0092)<\/strong><\/p>\n

Moi\u0085\u0085 \u0091 Je plaisante ma maman\u0085on n\u0092a plus de respect entre nous\u0085\u00a0!\u0092<\/strong><\/p>\n

Elle\u0085\u0085\u00a0 \u0092 Mouuuu \u0085je suis devenu vieille\u0085et sensible\u0085\u0092<\/strong><\/h1>\n

Moi\u0085\u0085 \u0092Bon je retiendrai ma langue la prochaine fois\u0085et la Hollande\u0085\u00a0?\u0092\u0092<\/strong><\/p>\n

Elle\u0085\u0085 \u0092Yall\u00e8h Holland\u00e2\u00e2\u00e2\u0085.la_jij\u00e9\u00e9\u00e9\u00e9h\u0085\u00a0!\u0092<\/strong><\/p>\n

(\u0091Pour la belle Hollande\u0092)<\/strong><\/p>\n

Moi\u0085\u0085 \u0092 Quoi\u0085\u00a0?\u0085tu as \u00e9t\u00e9 d\u00e9\u00e7ue\u0085\u00a0?\u0092<\/strong><\/p>\n

Elle\u0085\u0085 \u0092 15 jours\u00a0 de mauvais temps\u0085.Kayd\u00e8h yall\u00e8 bank\u0085. M\u00e8t\u00e9hch\u00e9m y\u00e8 B\u00e8b\u00e9rt..\u00a0?\u0085<\/strong><\/p>\n

Bard ou cht\u00e8\u00e9\u00e9\u0085je croyais faire du l\u00e8che vitrines \u0085mais Maxo ahhh..\u00a0! m\u00e8 habch i r\u00e8j\u00e8jni\u0085\u0085.marrah\u00a0 m\u00e8 nar\u00e8fch w\u00e8n mch\u00e9\u0085rh\u00e8l\u00e9ni ou\u00e8hdi\u0085.\u00a0!\u0092)<\/strong><\/p>\n

(\u0091\u0085\u0085\u0085\u0085\u0085\u0085\u0085\u0085\u0085\u0085\u0085\u0085. Assise sur un banc \u0085.tu\u00a0 n\u0092a pas honte\u0085.\u00a0?\u00a0 le froid et la pluie\u0085\u0085.il n\u0092 a pas voulu me faire sortir\u0085..je ne sais pas o\u00f9 il a \u00e9tait\u0085.il m\u0092 a laiss\u00e9 seule..( NDLR .\u00a0 il a \u00e9tait voir les filles dans les vitrines ce jour l\u00e0\u0092)<\/strong><\/p>\n

Moi\u0085\u0085\u0085\u0092A savoir\u0085il est tellement secret\u0085.\u0092)<\/strong><\/p>\n

Elle\u0085\u0085\u0085 \u0092Ch\u00e2kouti m\u00e8n\u00e9h m\u00f4wti\u0085\u0092) ( Le silencieux est aussi secret q\u0092une tombe )<\/strong><\/p>\n

Moi\u0085\u0085\u0085 \u0092Et l\u0092 Angleterre\u0085..\u00a0? c\u0092\u00e9tait beau\u0085.. non\u0085.\u00a0?\u0092<\/strong><\/p>\n

Elle\u0085\u0085\u0085 \u0092L\u0092 ingliiiiize..\u00a0? babba yand ou bou\u0085\u00a0! \u00e8bki yalli\u00e8m ou nouh\u0085\u00a0! Ejni yand madame Tussot kif Tit\u00e9 tay\u0092n\u00e9\u00e9\u00e9h \u0085.\u0092<\/strong><\/p>\n

(\u0091Les anglaaaaais\u0085\u00a0? Mon p\u00e8re chez son p\u00e8re (= \u00e7a ne vaut rien) pleures sur eux et griffes toi les joues ( comme les pleureuses)\u0085\u00a0! Il m\u0092a emmen\u00e9 chez ma dame Tussot\u0085.un genre Tit\u00e9 de chez nous\u0085.\u0092)<\/strong><\/p>\n

Moi , genre surpris\u0085.\u0092 Qui c\u0092est celle l\u00e0\u0085\u00a0?\u0092<\/strong><\/p>\n

Elle\u0085\u0085\u0085\u0085\u0085\u0085..\u0092Il para\u00eet qu\u0092elle re\u00e7oit beaucoup de monde\u0085.<\/strong><\/p>\n

Moi\u0085\u0085\u0085\u0085\u0085\u0085 \u0091 Et qu\u0092est-ce qu\u0092il t\u0092a dit\u0085\u00a0?\u0092<\/strong><\/p>\n

Elle\u0085\u0085\u0085\u0085\u0085\u0085.\u0092 Ourras ouldi,\u00a0 je lui ai dis mais qu\u0092est ce qu\u00a0\u0091elle a de sp\u00e9ciale celle l\u00e0\u0085..hein Maxo\u0085.\u00a0?\u00a0 .yall\u00e8h nitti\u0085tu sais ce qu\u0092il m\u0092a r\u00e9pondu\u0085.\u0092 Taym\u00e8l ouark\u00e2 ta \u00e8l breikhs ou tayj\u00e8n farin\u00e8 \u0085..il se moque de moi\u0085..\u0092)<\/strong><\/p>\n

(\u0091Sur ta t\u00eate mon fils\u0085\u0085\u0085\u0085\u0085\u0085\u00a0?\u00a0 na\u00efvement \u0091Elle confectionne de breikhs \u00e0 la main et p\u00e9trie du pain \u0085.\u0092)<\/strong><\/p>\n

Moi\u0085\u0085\u0085\u0085\u0085\u0085.\u0092C\u0092est un mus\u00e9e maman\u0085.comme le mus\u00e9e Gr\u00e9vin\u0085.\u0092<\/strong><\/p>\n

Elle\u0085\u0085\u0085\u0085\u0085\u0085.\u0092 Eye rsarr\u00e2\u00e2h\u0085. f\u00e8llet forjah \u0085..\u0092<\/strong><\/p>\n

(\u0091Oh quel dommage ?\u00a0 j\u0092ai rat\u00e9 un spectacle\u0085.\u0092)<\/strong><\/p>\n

Moi\u0085\u0085\u0085\u0085\u0085\u0085.\u0092 Ce sera pour la prochaine fois\u0085.si D.ieu veut\u0085\u00a0!\u0092<\/strong><\/p>\n

Elle\u0085\u0085\u0085\u0085\u0085\u0085.\u0092Quand \u00e7a \u0085 ?\u00a0 \u00e0 mon \u00e2ge\u00a0? je ne peux plus me d\u00e9placer facilement\u0085depuis que j\u0092ai re\u00e7u la valise de l\u0092Abb\u00e9 ( un Abb\u00e8 de retour d\u0092un p\u00e8lerinage) en 1996 sur ma t\u00eate dans le T.G.V.\u0092<\/strong><\/p>\n

Moi\u0085\u0085\u0085\u0085\u0085\u0085.\u0092Ah..! oui\u0085je me rappelle\u0085.\u0092<\/strong><\/p>\n

Elle\u0085\u0085\u0085\u0085\u0085\u0085.\u0092Tu ne peux pas me refaire une belle lettre \u00e0 l\u0092assurance pour qu\u0092elle me rembourse un peu plus que les 8.OOO frs qu\u0092elle\u00a0 m\u0092a\u00a0 donn\u00e9e pour mon \u0091doloris clausus.\u00a0?\u0092= pretium doloris)\u00a0?\u0092<\/strong><\/p>\n

Moi\u0085\u0085\u0085\u0085\u0085\u0085\u0092 Dolorus clausus\u0085\u00a0?\u00a0 non\u0085.maman\u0085 c\u0092est\u00a0 Doloris primus (ancien r\u00e9chaud\u00a0 \u00e0 cuisson)<\/strong><\/p>\n

Elle ‘Bon challin\u00e8h ( je m\u0092en fous) \u0085.doloris de merde, j\u0092ai encore les vertiges\u0085.\u00a0!<\/strong><\/p>\n

Moi\u0085\u0085\u0085\u0085\u0085\u00a0 \u0092 L\u0092affaire est \u00e9teinte \u0085. tu as \u00e9t\u00e9 d\u0092accord et tu as sign\u00e9 sur \u00e7a\u0085\u00a0!<\/strong><\/p>\n

Elle\u0085\u0085\u0085\u0085\u0085\u00a0 \u0091Nank\u00f4r\u0085..\u0092 ( Je me r\u00e9tracte\u0085.je nie\u0085)\u0092<\/strong><\/p>\n

Moi\u0085\u0085\u0085\u0085\u0085 \u0092 Laisse tomber\u0085.\u0092<\/strong><\/p>\n

Elle\u0085\u0085\u0085\u0085\u0085 \u0091Tu vois pourquoi je dis que vous ne valez rien les enfants\u0085. ahhhhh\u00a0; ,\u0092<\/strong><\/p>\n

J\u0092ai raccroch\u00e9.<\/strong><\/p>\n

\u00a0Albert Simeoni<\/strong><\/p>\n

=<\/p>\n<\/div><\/div>\n<\/p><\/div>\n<\/p><\/div>\n\n

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LES MEMOIRES D\u0092UN GOULETTOIS L\u0092ENFANT DE LA GOULETTE Par ALBERT SIMEONI\u00a0 (BEBERT) Dans la s\u00e9rie des sketchs\u0085.. \u0091 J\u0092ai fais quatre gar\u00e7ons pour rien\u0085..\u0092 Tir\u00e9 du livre des proverbes de ma m\u00e8re. \u0091\u0085.LES VAURIENS\u0085.\u0092 Ni bonjour, ni all\u00f4 ,\u00a0 ni rien\u0085.remarques\u0085 \u00a0Ma m\u00e8re\u0085 \u0092 Yam\u00e8lt kh\u00e8mch\u00e9 tkoura yal \u00e8l rhl\u00e8 oul r\u00e8yb\u00e9h.\u0092 (\u0091 J\u0092 ai… <\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":0,"featured_media":23295,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"neve_meta_sidebar":"","neve_meta_container":"","neve_meta_enable_content_width":"","neve_meta_content_width":0,"neve_meta_title_alignment":"","neve_meta_author_avatar":"","neve_post_elements_order":"","neve_meta_disable_header":"","neve_meta_disable_footer":"","neve_meta_disable_title":"","footnotes":""},"categories":[17],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-26332","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-souvenirs"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/harissa.com\/news-wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/26332","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/harissa.com\/news-wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/harissa.com\/news-wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/harissa.com\/news-wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=26332"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/harissa.com\/news-wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/26332\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":29207,"href":"https:\/\/harissa.com\/news-wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/26332\/revisions\/29207"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/harissa.com\/news-wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/23295"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/harissa.com\/news-wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=26332"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/harissa.com\/news-wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=26332"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/harissa.com\/news-wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=26332"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}